I think that God give us gifts and guidance in many different ways. But just like anything, you have to be open to receive them. Today I realized that God hand-crafts little packages and tosses them down to earth to guide us along the way.
We call them metaphors.
As silly as it may seem, I was able to see this clearly today.
My current place of residence during this chapter in my life is nestled behind prickly bushes and palm trees, guarded by fire ants and adjacent to the river. I live on one of earths many little peninsulas, Florida.
I came here in December unsure of anything. Not sure why I was coming, what I was doing or what lay ahead. The only thing I did know was that I had me, a thought that was at times was both comforting and frightening, and when I say frightening, I mean a dead zombie man with 4 teeth sitting in your backseat, and looking at you in your rear-view mirror.
One thing is for sure in life, no matter where you are, there will always be some type of tension, some type of stress, some type of obstacle. Being a person that wants a good life, I've learned that with that comes difficulty, comes challenge, comes pain. And many times during those times of pain, its easy to lose sight of anything but the pain your'e in, making it easy to lay down and give up.
There have been so many times in my life, that things have seemed "harder than they should be" according to me I suppose, and I just wanted to quit. Somehow, as dismal as I can get in my darkest hour, I've always managed to pull through and attempt to start over trying.
Today, even though a few weeks ago, I learned that like many others here in the US, my job had been cut back to nearly nothing; and that things may not be going exactly like I always envisioned, I woke up wanting to try something different.
After my normal routine of loving my cat, drinking coffee, having some hot cereal, and kicking off the day with Sir Flavor Flav', (yes I wish I was kidding) I got dressed to go on a little river adventure-- alone.
I'd been eyeing the kayaks that we have for a very long time. Its not that I'd never been on one, its just that, I'd never been on one alone, and never really wanted to. I guess part of me thought that it would be too hard, and that I couldn't it. And maybe I thought that if something happened out in our dolphin and manatee rich river, that I wouldn't be enough to get myself out of deep water so to speak.
But today, I climbed into the yellow kayak, equipped with nothing but a life jacket, paddle and a bottle of water.
But today, it felt more like an adventure where I could turn in any direction, stop, keep going or come back whenever I was ready. My first metaphor.
After being on the river for a while and getting into a rhythm I noticed that the water was was pretty calm, something I was grateful for. But as I kept going I noticed a large wake, or current, or something. At first it was very hard to row, or yak, or kay or whatever the hell people call it, but it honestly became less and less difficult, and I realized that instead of following my initial reaction, of turning soon and going back, that I could and would keep going.
After I fought the wake for a while, the river closed in and led me to a prettier area that I had never seen. It was full of rich green foliage, big splashes, birds flying, and best of all, no wake.
I relaxed for a while, imagining a home made kayak anchor, (we could call it a Kanckhor,) made with a large stone, tied to a rope that I could drop down and reel in so that I could relax without floating into an alligator's mouth. I relaxed for a while, but decided to head back to solid ground.
I started to feel like I was in a water paradise, where there was no stress, no responsibility, no one to answer to, and nothing to worry about.
But then, I started rowing, or kakking, whichever it was, and not only was the wake/tide bigger and stronger but the wind was blowing hard against me. Not only making it harder to move forward but even harder to go in the right direction. For a moment, I wished that my Dad was with me. "He's better at kayaking," I thought. "He's stronger, and if I started to get tired from this, I could just lay back."
Ok, so that might have been a bit of a stretch. Knowing my Dad he would have soaked me with water, and said sit up you lazy bitch. What I can say, he's British.
Metaphor two....
So back to reality, the kayak was forcefully turning to the right, and I didn't want to go right. My leisurely strokes we no longer making any difference. It was like I was on a treadmill on the water, doing all the work, but going nowhere. Truth was I wasn't working hard enough. There was a part of me that just wanted to lay back in my seat, and wait until the wind died and the current disappeared.
It was then that it hit me, that there is no paradise, not even on the water. There will always be challenge, and stress, and forces that try to hold you back or turn you in the wrong direction. But its how we handle it them makes all the difference.
Today, I sat up and out of my recline position, wiped the salty/brackish water from my eyes, and faced the current. I didn't look back, I didn't complain, I just pushed forward and decided that I could do it on my own.
Turns out, it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought. I saw some things I'd never seen before, and found a new route.
Turns out, I can do more and handle more than I realize.
